72 days!

Next time you hear someone say that gays destroy the sanctity of marriage.....

Have receipt handy!

Is that so hard?

Got an evite to a wedding reception but neither my wife nor I can recall meeting the bride or groom

What's the appropriate gift?

Remember that nasty old man and his wife across the street who hated kids and went on vacation the day before Halloween

Now THAT I do remember.

They shouldn't have.

A thousand times "no" plus "maybe" = yes

Kids know this. That's why they keep at it.

You need a strategy for this.

Can't escape the gothic

It's all around you, you know.

(Don't make Halloween costumes like they used to)

I have cried many times

But it never sounded like "boo hoo" for some reason.

Maybe I should leave my brain to science or something.

I never get mad when people say I am wacko

But when they say I am Waco.....

They don't work in volume....

....but if they can just get a couple of customers a day.

Definitely intrigued

In a healthy way though.

Telling someone to "CALM DOWN!"

Always works.

Would never shoot at a police helicopter

Got too much to lose.

You do it.

Don't aim for the blades though.

What are the odds?

When I'm dead and gone....

....I hope I'm remembered as a person of just average meanness.

Nothing excessive.

With these books coming out....

.... we now find out that Steve Jobs told the network executives TO THEIR FACE that The Bachelor SUCKED and nobody would ever watch it and none of these people would get married.

That guy sure knew how to bring it!

To whoever stole my wallet

There's $1.63 left on the Borders gift card; if you can find a store that is.

Oh, and feel free to steal my identity.

Happy to start over!

"So we both decided to end our lives"

"We had more than enough of all those crank calls and whispers behind our backs!

So one night, we did it and took a ton of pills and went down.

And then we woke up in the morning! Freakin' ceiling spinning and everything but still "up".

And he went to meet with his attorneys.

And I went to brunch!"

Lindsay Lohan should have to pay WAY more than a million dollars....

....to pose nude in Playboy magazine.

I mean that could really damage their product! I guess they should pocket the money and all but....

Oh, you mean......

Was never a Toys R Us kid

Was more of a 7-11 hooligan who drank a lot of Slurpees and peaked at magazines when the clerk wasn't looking.

With Toys R Us, you usually went there with your parents.

I limited that early on.

The McRib has come back like 5 times!

Your move, Jesus!

If I eat breakfast....

....I'm hungry all day.

Most important meal of the day?

Yeah, it triggers all the others!

Don't give in!

I'm ok with the troops coming home from Iraq

As long as we're not applying for the same jobs.

We were here first, you know!

Can't escape the gothic

It's all around you, you know.

If you think about it....

....Peyton Manning is the league's MVP.

Colts: 0-7

Good thing Carlos Santana wasn't wandering around Libya last week!

Where will it end?

You know, it is super freaking hard....

....not to hurt people with your car.

I mean I can do it in video games but....

7 billion people on earth?

And you're reading me?!

You know, I'm just wingin' it right?

No dryer sheets!

Just threw the empty box in there.

Because its smells pretty good!

"About to die" guy

"Last day on the force!

Really gonna miss this place!"

Wish I was overrated

Just for a day or two.

Today is the one year anniversary of me reporting my car stolen....

....in the store parking lot when I just forgot where I parked it.

The cop said I needed to be more judicious with my calls to 911.

I told him his response time was a little slow.

We agreed to disagree.

They're just bills you know!

No need to call them outstanding.

We can threaten too. (see the last post)

Two things to remember when hiring a hitman

1. It's a cop!

2. It's always a cop!

You gotta work around that somehow!

Eventually we're all gonna be facebook friends

Do the math!

The Kardashians have a line of clothing a Sears?

Isn't shopping at Sears punishment enough?

(Checking my mutual funds to confirm no Sears holdings)

If pot is legalized.....

....do prior pot convictions come off your record?

Why not?!

Not asking for me.

I just did a fifth meal!

Not even late either!

How do we know exactly when Al Davis died?

Because I had been suspecting a Weekend at Bernie's thing for some time now.

Lock these NBA people in a room until there is a labor agreement?

Nah!

Look, if you have all kinds of wild animals....

....and you plan on killing yourself, you gotta let them loose on the town first. Right?

You wouldn't?!

I am eating at McDonald's until I win something in that Monopoly game

It worked for Jared!

Well how did that thing go for him again?

Occupy Wall Street

They didn't even get a corporate sponsor!

Left A LOT of money on the table.

Need an advisor.

Bryan Adams is in prison, right?

Well, then where's the music?

You sure?

If you always make sure the blood splatter....

....is consistent with the (accidental fall) injuries, you'll do ok.