Hey, what's been going on lately?

I've been busy checking my phone.

We should always give guys named "Todd" a head start

It's only fair.

I sent out a facebook event invite to the show....

...."Me lifting weights in the garage with 'Welcome to the Jungle' on in the background."

Response so far is "underwhelming".

Maybe I'll switch to Coldplay.

I want to salvage this event.

Why do cracked windshields and driving 20 mph under the speed limit go together?

Does it obstruct your vision that much?

I bet I could drive better with one of those sun shields.

Just drove by a "christian" coffee house

Hey, how long can you leave belongings there unattended?

30 minutes?

An hour?

All day?

Until rapture?

One less thing to worry about!

Hose it down!

The solution to a surprisingly high number of problems.

Plus it's pretty fun to say.

Can't escape "the gothic"

It's all around you, you know.

You know, opinions are ruining the internet!

I thought it would be like a safe haven or something!

It really bugs me....

....when people mix up Moulin Rouge and Khmer Rouge.

Very annoying!

Also my lawn.

If you say "No, and here's why"....

....I am "out" at "no".

Need to find a "yes" person, you know.

What the?!

Why even become a doctor if you're not going to have Dr. Feelgood as your ringtone?

I wouldn't let that guy operate on me.

If he can't get that right....

Don't want to go to hell

I heard that you have to find the start to the Scotch tape over and over and over again.

After the "green" is gone!

Annoying!

West Virginia Mountaineer

Armed mascot or someone that just wandered out from the stands?

Just wonderin'?

My neighbors listen to really good music

Just a little service I provide.

I only visit those cities that Huey Lewis mentions in "The Heart of Rock & Roll"

Hey, he travelled the world!

He knew the good ones.

"Wow have you seen our numbers?"

"This could be a problem!

Hey get the rights to this photo!

We will use it for our brochures.

Money is no object really."

College Administrator

Saw those new Arizona State uniforms last night

Ok but I'm gonna miss Li'l Satan!

I saw a baby today that wasn't a twin

It was all on it's own!

If people don't harp on it, I bet he'll be ok.

Take responsibility for your actions!

Especially if someone sees you.

Something only "grown-ups" say

"We really needed the rain."

Wanna clear out a room real quick?

"I had the weirdest dream last night!"

Hey ladies!

If he's got Hot Pockets in his cart, he's single.

Easier to spot than a ring!

Here to help.

If the number of fast food napkins in your car's glove compartment....

                                                                              
....is directly proportional to your success in life........then I am doing pretty darn good!

Hey, they're "free" you know! You can spend money on other stuff!

"Meet me at bar"

I told you the name!

Meet me at bar.

B. A. R.

There's only one!

BAR!

Sixth Street.

I told you the name.

Again, there's only one!

No, it's not a chain.

I told you the name.

BAR!

What does the sign say?

Bar!

Nothing's first.

Remember who is on first.

They played the Super Bowl a few years ago, that's who!

If you don't want to meet me, just man up and say so, ok?

Well ok then.

How is it my fault?

Who's on first again?

No they played Quadrophenia..........and Tommy.

Forget it!

Hey, who wants to play pool!

Need a job.

These shows are really about the same thing, you know

I feel so bad for dolphins!

Have you seen the movies that are made about them?!

Can you say "victims"?

Where's PETA when you need them?

If that falling space junk is coming at you tomorrow....

....stop, remain calm, stand tall and stand your ground.

Waive your arms, make yourself look bigger. Avoid eye contact. The junk may see this as a challenge! Speak loudly. Again, stand your ground.

That should divert it.

If you have time.

None of the Republicans railed against the Facebook changes or even mentioned it!

They could have "won" the debate right then and there!

SO out of touch!

My congressman Thaddeus McCotter ended his presidential campaign today

I wonder if Mitt Romney can pick up his supporter.

There is a sign in the bathroom warning you not to wear cologne or perfume....

...because the scents can bother people.

Think about it.

Cut my eye on an office window blind

Achievement unlocked!

Can't escape "the gothic"

It's all around you, you know.

So REM broke up?

Ok, I will start with the obvious and say that I had no idea that they were still together.

For the record, my favorite song of theirs was the one that went, "The things you say - you're unbelievable - OOOOHH!"

Not them?

Ok but still......to have someone shoot you after you tell them they're unbelievable?

SO EMBARRASSING!

The worst!

If I ever say "plunk down my hard-earned cash"....

....then I know I am officially "old".

Then it's just a few years to "back in my day".

And just a few more to "get off my lawn, you brats!"

But it starts with "plunkin' down hard-earned cash".

"Hey dude! Love your ponytail!"

No one ever said it.

As a matter of fact, I did a quick check and this was the very first time those words were put together in that sequence ever.

Makin' history!

You know on paper....

....rain really makes a lot of sense!

Take your emotions out of it!